Saturday, January 29, 2022

Story Post: Progress Report, Week 2

Good afternoon, boring box squad! I hope you’re all having a nice, relaxing weekend. Can you believe it’s already been two weeks since we set out on this boxtastic adventure? I couldn’t be more excited for our future, and I wanted to take this opportunity to report on our progress so far.

Graph of Boring Box Company profits from 17 January through 28 January

As you can see, our profit margins are on the up and up! We got off to a rocky start, but the growth has been exponential. Those Research rapscallions took quite a few questionable risks, but they paid off! Boxes made of ink? Remarkable. Diamond? Outstanding. Responsibly sourced cat fur? I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure at first, but we really cornered the market on that one.

Graph of employee productivity from 17 January through 28 January.

Employee productivity is also, unsurprisingly, growing at an impressive rate. You are on fire! And yes, the graph is color-coded to reflect that. Let’s keep working hard (but not too hard) and keep the train going (but don’t strain yourself)! The numbers do show that the sales team could use a bit of leg-up, so any employees with a knack for numbers are encouraged to submit a transfer request and make their way over to the office.

I know some of you are feeling dismayed about the members of the team who are no longer with us. While we try to make BoxCo a fun and engaging work environment, our unorthodox style isn’t for everyone. But that just means you’re the cream of the crop! The creme de la creme, if you will! Besides, what does the Exciting Cube Corporation have that we don’t have? Unlimited paid vacation time? Nope. A top-tier health insurance plan, with dental? No way. Regularly scheduled vision and hearing tests? I don’t think so. Complementary blood tests and DNA sequencing? Not a chance. Voluntary preventative appendectomies, performed in-house? The list just goes on and on…

Let’s keep working hard to ramp up production, while making sure to eat nutritious meals and take regular breaks! I wouldn’t be surprised if we’ve doubled our sales figures by this time next week. And when in doubt, just remember our company slogan: Good things come in boring boxes!


Clucky: he/him

29-01-2022 19:39:24 UTC

Is this the place for Q&A?

What do you say about the reports of you being caught on a hot mic admitting “research doesn’t make any money” but keeping three whole people in the research department, using shenanigans to give themselves as many options as possible, while those of us who actually make the company money are left in the dark?

Zack: he/him

29-01-2022 20:16:53 UTC

Maybe because the reason RnD wasn’t making any money was because their VP wasn’t doing anything? And because I don’t like to reward employees who throw our money into the paper shredder and then brag about it. Though, I see now how you’re really getting the short end of the stick, so I will try and work something out.

Zack: he/him

29-01-2022 20:34:41 UTC

The difference between you and Josh is, from my perspective, you just want to get options for the sake of getting options, and Josh wants to get options while simultaneously making sure those options are worth more. I said from the start that I wanted to be neutral in that I would prioritize the success of the company over any individual player. So to be clear, I didn’t do what I’ve done to punish you, or to help Josh, or to enable them to form some cabal that I didn’t realize was forming until today- I did what I’ve done simply to simply the company budget go up.

Brendan: he/him

30-01-2022 16:48:57 UTC

This is a really fun writeup.

Kevan: he/him

30-01-2022 20:24:19 UTC

Have only had time to check in occasionally on the dynasty since idling, but yes, this is very good.

(With CC-Attribution credit due to FancyFerret, says a reverse image search.)