Some might say it has been a difficult month for NewsCartel, with the public backlash over our use of royal paparazzi shots, the troubling revelations from the ongoing Cartlesham press inquiry, and a steepening decline of print sales. However, NewsCartel sees this as a unique opportunity to distance itself from the poor editorial decisions and unpopular brand associations of the past, and is henceforth liquidating all of its titles, firing its editors and redistributing its existing ground staff across a new raft of print newspapers, which are due to launch Monday.

The opportunity to improve our public image has never been stronger, and I will be looking to all of you to help shape a new and successful era of NewsCartel in these challenging times.

Replace “Student” with “Editor” throughout the ruleset, and “Professor” with “Mogul”.