Saturday, July 02, 2011

Ascension Address: Ascension Address

Ladies and Gentlethings, welcome to an all-new, super-hyped, better than ever season of ClingBooooom!  That’s right folks, the planet’s premiere slice-of-death reality sports show is back, better and bloodier than ever.

Right behind me is the new and improved Season 93 arena.  Savvy fans will no doubt notice it’s larger than last season. After the exploding zombies took down the back wall during the Season 92 championship, we rebuilt it ten feet farther out.  Now, on to the actual hazards. 

In the center here we have the altar of mayhem, the heart of ClingBoom, the StickyBomb dispenser!  This cute little device spits out time bombs coated in our patented life-force adhesive.  Once one of these contraptions get onto you, the only ways to get rid of it are to fob it off on a fellow Gladiator or to set it off.  And you don’t want to set it off, folks.

Moving outwards, we have our eight main traps in the classic double ring pattern.  Our trap technicians have really outdone themselves this season; the inner ring has an all new vertical particle beam trap that will bore a hole through a person in three-point-eight milliseconds.  Of course, we also have returning traps like the perpetual fan favorite floor-mounterd buzzsaws…  You’ll get a closer look at these during the pre-game show, I promise.  The irregular trap slot this season is right next to one of the AmmoVenders, and it’s a monowire cheesecutter.  Expect at least one gladiator to cube himself on it in the opening scrum.

Finally, we’ve been accused of arbitrary rules twists in the past, but this season should blow all your expectations out of the water.  Starting this season, the Coaches’  Union is allowed to implement its own twists… with an appropriate review process, of course.  Now, off to meet the gene donors who made this event possible.


Retain the dynastic rule “Species” and repeal the rest.  Replace Farmer with Gladiator and Landlord with Announcer.


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